| Dear Fat Nurse can you tell me what is the best way to get into the big brother house? So i can burn the place down and then go home and watch Srubs rather than 6 hours of big brother. |
| |  Fat Nurse: Fuck off, I've already answered this. |
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| Hi Fat Nurse Can you plz tell the best way to get in the big brother house unoticed? So i can light the place on fire and i can get back to watching Scrubs on E4. |
| | Fat Nurse: Disguise yourself as a case of cheap Rose wine or cigarettes and wait outside the back door. |
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| Hey fat nurse, I've never read a book in my life, have no interests beyond skittles and haven't spent any time raising my child. Unsurprisingly I've produced a real underachiever but the question is what disease should I say he has? Social workers have invented so many I'm spoiled for choice. Should I go for ADD, ADHD, dyslexia, hormone imbalance, behaviour disorder..please help me choose. His symptoms are not liking school very much, never doing his homework and preferring playing his x-box to learning how to do difficult sums. Ideally we'd like one that plays well with the benefits office. Thanks, Mrs Slovenly |
| | Fat Nurse: My advice is. Don't give the full name of the disease. Use the acronym. The 4 letter acronymn is the current flavour of the month , so try ADHD, AIDS, POXY, CHAV or even SYPH. You could go the whole hog and try the threesome of LAZY THIK CUNT. |
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| I live next door to a fat cunt who looks like James Corden. Can you suggest anything? |
| | Fat Nurse: Move to the Welsh valleys love and buy a four bedroom house for £18,000. Bring a fire extinguisher with you though as the locals get bored on Thursday nights. |
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| I think i have a problem with my eye-site.....Every-time i open my eyes i see a usless fat untallented after-birth call James Corden.....I have been to spec-savers but all they told me was its a disease that was untreatable due to the lack of taste in public opion.I asked for a second opinion and was told it could clear up when the fat fucker empoldes in on its self......I know you are not Jimll fix it but im losing the will to live can you help |
| |  Fat Nurse Direct: Can you call again later as we're just studying our " Learn English in 20 days" book and Trish is on in a minute. |
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| Hi fat nurse, I've got a really well paid job but the problem is excessive wanking has ruined by eyesight! What can be done? I don't want to tell my manager as I'm afraid I'll get the sack but people are starting to notice. Could I maybe get an invisible guide dog to tie to the goal posts or something? Thanks Rob ps it was mostly Gaby Logan I was jerking over if that helps. |
| | Fat Nurse: Next time you have a wank love don't bother clearing up afterwards as it might make you hands a bit stickier. |
| |
 Dear Nursie, I'm an enormously talented entertainer that's part of a double act. I have an overwhelming crush on my partner but I don't think he feels he same way. I'm morbidly obese and hate myself, everyone else hates me too. Do you think if I lost weight he might notice me or am I doomed to a lonely existence pulling my gerkin over repeats of my hit tv show? Thanks, "Mr C" ps if you want I can send a picture of me without my shirt on, it's REALLY funny and the basis of my career. |
| | Fat Nurse: Excuse me a minute whilst I copiously empty the contents of my arse into this bin. Heavens! is that James Corden's photograph already in the self same bin? |
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| I've got a wart the size of a walnut on the side of my cock. Do you think it's likely to put the girls off? I'm only asking as I was thinking it's about time I got myself a girlfriend - Sir Cliff |
| | Fat Nurse: Personally Cliff, my sympathies are with the wart. |
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| Is it Ok to like the smell of my own farts? I find other peoples farts awful, but mine are actually quite nice. |
| | Fat Nurse: Yes, of course, it's perfectly OK to like the smell of your own farts, just like it's OK to like the taste of your own piss. Personally though, I think you live in a very small world, with boundaries only a few inches away from your face. You should try and venture out into the big wide world instead of keeping your head under the duvet. You might find that the big wide world smells a fucking sight worse than your own arse, but you'll never know unless you try. |
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| why is it OK to talk to god, but If people say 'god talked to me' they are labelled crazy? |
| |  Dr Dick: I think you've asked the wrong person as the last time I heard about God was when I had to swear on the Bible that I didn't tamper with that School Girl with the green panties and M & S starter bra. |
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| Evening, I keep having this recurring dream where I am a piano and Mrs Mills plays me. What does it mean? |
| | Fat Nurse: It's all very odd, but I'd be slightly more worried if you were having dreams about Acker Bilk blowing you. |
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Hi Nursie,
I'm a famous and incredibly beautiful and hugely desirable and fuckable soap actress.
I had a minor problem with the charlie a few years back and though they got McAlpine's in to reconstruct my nose, you know what they say 'What you can't see can't hurt you', well it isn't strictly true. You see, when the nose collapsed, I still was hooked on the old charlie, so I used an 'alternative' orifice, so to speak. In a nutshell, and I know you call a spade a spade, my arsehole has collapsed and I could probably insert a bowling ball into it. I'm sure you can amagine the problems that this can cause. My question is, is their a specific arse tightening surgical procedure to restore my nipsy to its former glory? I'm sure the likes of Elton and holier than though Cliff must have a couple of phone numbers. Can you help? |
| | Fat Nurse: The 'purse string' stitch was made for you, sweetie. The slight drawback is you'll have a couple of leather cords dangling out of your arse but tug on both of them at the same time and it'll be as tight as you like, Daniella. You could possibly even keep your loose change up there. Love the show xxx |
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Dear fat Nursie Wursie,
Have you ever farted, when he was on the vinegar strokes, the home straight, so to speak. Did it put him off? |
| | Fat Nurse: I did once, yes. it didn't put him off either. In fact it seemed to spur him on to plug the gas leak, like the CORGI registered Dutch boy who was into fisting dykes. He whipped it out, spat on it and shoved it straight up my arse. It's hard to fart when your arse is taking 'five gallons of unleaded' - so to speak, but Hey Ho! that's what passes as entertainment down here in Merthyr.. |
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| What's the best thing for a smelly gash? |
| | Fat Nurse: Probably a big smelly cock, sweetie. |
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| Fat Nurse Fat Nurse - I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains! |
| | Fat Nurse: Seeing as you've asked that question twice I'm assuming you're a pair of curtains! Now piss of and pull yourself together. |
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| Fat Nurse Fat Nurse - I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains! |
| | Fat Nurse: Seeing as you've asked that question twice I'm assuming you're a pair of curtains! Now piss of and pull yourself together. |
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| Since my vascectomy last year, my balls have been knocking together like those fuckin 'clacker' things we had in the 70's. It's very emarrasing when I go jogging. How can I prevent this? |
| | Fat Nurse: Well you have a choice. You can either use gaffer tape (which is fucking painful to remove) or you can wear on of the wife's tiny thongs. Better still, wait till after dark, and for a bit of extra excitement, steal a pair of the hottie next door's knickers. These should be so tight that your balls will not knock any more. They might squeak a bit, though. |
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| Almost a year ago at a party after smoking a little to much weed things got a little out of control and i ended up in a room with about 10 people and the lights off . while everyone else was listening on the other side of the room , i gave a guy head while another guy fingered me and another had sex with me from the back . i didnt know these people . i was a virgin |
| | Dr Dick: Seeing as you haven't actually asked for any advice I imagine you're here for some well deserved praise. If you're ever down this way feel free to pop in for a night out and a free clamidia test , you'll need it after the trollop I did last week. |
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| Im a greasy teen with terrible acre, I've tried wanking it away but all it does is make a mess, a terrible terrible mess. Can you help me? |
| | Fat Nurse: Wanking is very normal for teens, infact my first boyfriend almost wore his away looking at a poloroid of me in my panties. Try wanking in the bath and you'll be able to wash the spunk away easier and the bathroom mirror will steam up so you won't be able to see your acne. |
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| Re my last, - don't ask me to suck a fisherman's friend instead. Peter Kay tried that at Blackpool - barely escaped with his life. True. |
| | Fat Nurse: Peter Kay looks like he's swallowed the whole factory to me, mind you we do like our men fat around here, anyone less than 20 stone doesn't stand a chance in the Swansea Tavern Sunday Family lunch special when the fighting starts breaking out. |
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| I'm not allowed 'Victory-Vs' anymore, as I become too rumbustious (according to nurse) - I'm rather distraught, as they're my favourite treat. Help! |
| | Fat Nurse: Sorry to take so long to reply luv but we've been on a £8 Sun holiday at a caravan park in Colwyn bay, I've been saving for almost two years to get enough dosh. I take it you take Victory Vs' for your bad breath probably caused by you not flossing after going down on the girlfriend. I suggest you let her gobble you off first and then roll over and go to sleep, my hubbies been doing it for years and his breath smells like an Opal fruit ad. |
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 I'm beginning to fancy Chris Packham. Is this normal? |
| | Fat Nurse: I fancy a packet of crisps meself. Leek and heroin flavour. Now that's normal round here in Merthyr Tydfil. |
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| Bollocks, I hit the wrong button. Again! |
| | Fat Nurse: As for the bloke who wanted to introduce his new Thai bride to the British way of life as quickly as possible :
Take her down the pub for a quiz night, pie and peas and karaoke special. Fall into the gutter coming out the pub and get her to drag you to the bus stop. Vomit onto her Thai silk dress and snakeskin shoes and tell her that 'She's your besht fucking mate, and you can't wait to get her home to shag her. You'll spend about three hours on top of her squashing the life out of her in a drunken attempt to complete the fuck to no avail. Next morning ask her where the fuck is your breakfast - she'll soon get the idea, sweetie, don't worry. |
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| I'm really quite fat. Can I be cured with talcum powder? |
| | Fat Nurse: Only if you eat it an nothing else for the next six months. You might need blasting powder before you can shit though. |
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| fat nurse, i got bored of my boyfriend and decided to use the dog for foreplay and now cant get that sexy dog out of my head, any tips? |
| | Fat Nurse: Yes, get that sexy dog out of your head and into your cunt!! |
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| I'm really worried abour getting swine flu, what should I do if I get it. |
| | Dr Dick: Who gives a fuck? And don't give it to me you cunt. |
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| my penis is very small |
| | Fat Nurse: Hmmmm, it could be all in your mind sweetie, try measuring it from your arsehole. |
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| Hello fatty!!! |
| | Fat Nurse: Perhaps you'd like to come in and sample some colonic irrigation, I've got some specials over Christmas, one cunt for the price of two. |
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| what would young bitchy nurses have said about a guy with a vacuum cleaner attached to his willy.... |
| | Fat Nurse: To be honest love in the Valleys of Wales we find this sort of thing all the time. When us Welsh go out dogging on Saturdays we quite often take the vacuum cleaner to spice things up a little while we wait for the fish and chips van. You're a big strapping Australian lad I imagine, next time you come over to visit us Poms make sure you drop in and I'll get Henry the Hoover to suck you dry too. |
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 Hello Fat Nurse. I've started to use phrases like 'Delicious Treat' and 'Cockberry' in the real world, I mean the world outside DSMO. Am I going mad? Am I going to end up inside DSMO like one of those cunts from Tron? I must know!!!!!!!!!! Jack Johnson |
| | Fat Nurse: I've done it myself. Only recently I was bollocking Mr Billy... sorry I mean Mr Fat Nurse about watching porn on the internet again, I grabbed Aunt Mabel's scarf and started shouting "Behold, behold, behold". He said he was going to take me in the garden and throw some slates at me if I didn't calm down, the cheeky fucker. |
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 I went onto a well known reality TV show and threatened everyone with a swift demise at the hand of my imaginary homie gangster bros. The trouble is, no one was watching, I got kicked out and now I may have to do hardcore anal again for Ben Dover productions. Can you suggest a long-lasting lubricant that isn't lard or spittle? |
| | Dr Dick: Stop being a poof and use Tennants Extra, if she says you smell like a tramp say, "Have you looked in the mirrow recently?" NEXT..... |
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 I had that Chanelle in the back of my cab last night, but now I can't get rid of the smell of rotting haddock. Any tips from the Reubenesque one? |
| | Fat Nurse: Park it up with the keys in and a gallon of diesel and a fag lighter on the drivers seat. Anywhere round here, and it'll be a smoking wreck before the night's out. Then ring up those utter cunts from First Direct, and tell them you want a new one, fucking sharpish, no ifs, no buts, no shitting around - like fucking yesterday! |
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| I love Fat women, can you aid me at all? |
| | Fat Nurse: Well I'm already spoken for, but what the eye don't see..... Know what I mean.
Make an appointment, come down the surgery and if you're presentable, and nice and clean, I might just don the latex gloves and give you a wan... err I mean take a sperm sample |
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A girl from Nottingham told me, she could post a green M+M up my back-doors and then suck it up and out of my japs eye? and she only wanted £5 to carry out the act.
Fat Nurse can this be possible? and who can lend me a fiver? |
| | Fat Nurse: Does she reckon it'll still be green when it pops out? Sorry about the fiver, I'm a bit short this week after all the extra Maccy D and white lightning rations over easter. I'd be interested to know if she actually manages this, let me know. |
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 Does anyone know how to get Egg, Bacon, sausage, OK Fruity sauce and bloodstains out of a donkey jacket. Cheers! Peter Sutclife |
| | Fat Nurse: No, f*ck off you nasty specimen. With all those stains, watching you eat must be like watching a f*cking cement mixer. |
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 Oh blimey, dear bloody fatty nurse.
Yes, I was making an electrical connection to my wiggly tin 3 bedroomed penthouse in the suburbs of Calcutta, and F*cking blimey if I didn't scrape the end of my cocky on a high tension cable. There was a big flash and now all I have left is a blackened stump. The wife will f*cking kill me when she is finding out, and be f*cking hurrying up real quick because it is my birthday soon. |
| | Fat Nurse: Sorry, no donors, Mohamm.., sorry, John. Buy her a Rancid Rabbit, you should pick one up for a few rupees in one of those Calcutta street markets. |
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Dear Fatty Nursey,
I've done a spell in prison recently and the ringpiece is now a touch on the slack side. Now, that's OK in itself, but I used to be an excellent farter, and I've kinda split my reed, so to speak. I used to be able to fart at least five octaves, but now, the best I can manage is a huurr, like some old git with emphysema breathing out. Can you tighten my farting string once more oh dear fat nursey wursey? |
| | Fat Nurse: Well Mr Kershaw, A resleeving with a ceramic grommet or a tightening with a specific set of stitches like in the neck of a purse should do you matey. Otherwise, you could try shoving a clarinet up your now slack ringpiece. That might help resture your tuneful bottom to its former glory, Andy. |
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| I read in the Sun today that there's a Miracle Drug peptide that's been discovered that reverses all the damage done from years of boozing. Put me down for a f*cking big dose. - The ghost of George Best |
| | Fat Nurse: Unless you've got a time machine, Georgie boy, you are well and truly f*cked. If you hadn't noticed, you're dead, my son. You probably already caught a f*cking big dose, some time in your past, anyway. |
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| Oh Jen, I forgot to ask, how's the mottram? It must be the size of a giant clam after dropping 2 sprogs. |
| | Fat Nurse: I'd recommend a poultice of brown paper and alum to shrink or tighten it up a bit. If that doesn't work, you could always have 4 or 5 stitches. Mind you, there's only three in the top of a potato sack. |
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| Dear Nurse, Once my butt was the talk of tinseltown, but no longer. Where has my fat arse gone? Ever since I dropped my sproggs it seems to have disappeared and now I can fit into a size 18 again. My aneamic and frankly bi-curious looking hubby is well pleased. But can you help, as I want to be on the front of Heat magazine again - or at least my f*cking fat talentless arse does? Love Jen from the block |
| | Fat Nurse: Shame about your arse, Jen. Mind you they can do marvellous things with prosthetics these days. If a neutered dog can be fitted with a pair of artificial bollocks that would put an elephant to shame, I'm sure they can give you a false arse. Have a word with Kylie, she might be able to give you a couple of phone numbers.
If you don't fancy any of that, well, I guess the anaemic looking twat is going to have to find somewhere else to stand his pint pot. |
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| Bollocks, I keep pressing the wrong button |
| | Fat Nurse: Maybe Webby will move that delete button across to the right of the window |
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| Idiots who come and drink in my bar. |
| | Fat Nurse: Not quite sure what you're asking sweetie, I mean, as long as they pay up, don't puke, don't act like ar*eholes and don't piss on the floor, what's the problem? When you think about it, I'd say that anyone that goes into a pub and pays £3.20 for a pint is a f*cking idiot, wouldn't you? |
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| Dear Fat Nurse, I think I’ve been struck down by the deadly Fielding virus: my hair’s grown into a hideous greasy mullet and I can’t resist the compulsion to dress like a 10-year old at a special-needs Halloween party – and, despite the banal crap that constantly spews from my mouth, I keep baring my mustard-coloured teeth and looking ‘Mighty’ pleased with myself for no apparent reason. Please help me before I disappear completely up my own a*sehole ... |
| | Fat Nurse: I'm sorry matey, but medical science is a constant journey of discovery, and it hasn't yet reached it's destination. What I'm trying to say is, we can't f*cking help you, you don't fit the correct box on the NHS computer, and it's getting near the end of the fiscal year. What I can do, is put in a call to Big G, the almighty... the feller with the long grey breard... Hang on a minute would you.
Brrrrrrrr... Brrrrrrrrrr.. click ... (answer machine picks up the call)
Hello, this is God here. I'm sorry I can't answer your call right now, but I'm having a well earned kip. For earthquakes, press 1, for tsunamis, press 2, for terrorist attacks and general pestilence, press 3, for severe flooding and weather damage, press 4, for bleeding statues and other miracles, press 5, for serial murderers, ar*e rapists and general filthy bastards, press 6. If your name is Noel Fielding, then f*ck right off and keep looking over your shoulder, I've run out of thunderbolts for the minute, but I'm just off out to get some more. |
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 Dear TFN. My own life is so drab and wretched that the only way I can achieve excitement and fulfilment is by pretending to be the married, sexually-active author Louis Barfe and asking you rubbish questions that purport to be from him. However, my real problem is that I can't get my Fender Telecaster out of my ar*e, following some 'experimentation'. Will Swarfega shift it? Yours, Peter Sutcliffe's twin, Northampton. |
| | Fat Nurse: If your guitar is fitted with Grover machine heads, they're sealed so everything should be OK. A good rousing version of that bathtime wanking song, 'Spunk on the water' should do the trick. |
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 Dear TFN. My name is Louis Barfe, you may have heard of me................ well, never mind. How am I to sort myself out? I'm a self confessed slob and my trouser turnip sees less action than the Swiss Army. I also suffer terrible delusions of grandeur and consider myself to be quite the intellectual heavyweight. Please help. |
| | Fat Nurse: Dear Louise Barfe. You certainly are the heavyweight, just not in the way you consider yourself. Don't worry about being fat - I'm the size of a house and it never did me any harm, well, apart from the heart disease and hemorrhoids anyway. Perhaps you just need to get in touch with your real self to get your feet back on Terra Firma. I know it's a long way inside but with a few years of psychiatric help and the loss of a few tonnes, I'm sure you can find it. God bless, The Fat Nurse. |
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| Dear Fat Nurse, I think I might nave one of those anal polyp things. |
| | Fat Nurse: Of course polyps start their life in the sea. Normally they spend a few years swimming around, wondering what they're going to be (a bit like students, really). Most of them then club together and build something really massive like the great barrier reef. There's always a few rogues though. Next time you swim in the sea use a butt plug, or one of the little bastards might swim up your ar*ehole.....and that's one place you don't want a coral reef. |
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| Dear Doctor Dick. Thank you so much for cureing my anal pollops,latin name of Sanityous lastious Hopeious. Praise the(lord)i really am(Reaping)the benefits a pollop free ringpiece. |
| | Dr Dick: Anal pollop, anal dollop, anal polyp - It's all bread and butter stuff to me |
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| Dear Fat bastard Nurse,,,oh sorry. I live in hard water area. My question is. Where can get some soft water? |
| | Fat Nurse: Well f*ckface, the tap water in Manchester is beautifully soft and totally free as it comes from the Lake District. We don't have a scale problem. |
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 Dear Doctor Dick,
You sound like the right man for this job. Well, after a brief liaison with a nurse and rubber gloves, I think I've got an infection that's galloping it's way up the north pole, so to speak. Santa. |
| | Dr Dick: Don't worry these things happen. What I suggest is breaking into a chemist tonight when everbody's asleep waiting for you do do your thing and getting some broad based antibiotic. Make sure you only shag other birds for a couple of weeks so you don't give Mrs Claus a dose. Hopefully it'll clear up in a couple of weeks and the mrs will be none the wiser. Happy Christmas and can I have some money in my stocking as I spent £200 on lap dancers last might and I didn't even get a blowey. |
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 Dear Fat nurse. I only work one night a year but I just can't be bothered, also I want to go and get pissed with the Elves and get a night away from Mrs Santa who's on the blob this year. The only thing that stops me is I like emptying my sacks in bedrooms and I like making sure that evil kids get nothing. I also like licking their Christmas sweets. Should I take a day off this Christmas Eve or not? Thanks, love Santa. PS If you give me good advice I'll leave you a special present on your pillow! |
| | Fat Nurse: Well, the present on the pillow sounds like several blobs of spunk, so that's hardly an incentive. Get out there and do your job you dirty old kunt, there's a million Poles, Lithuanians or Romanians standing in line if you're too f*cking lazy. Alternatively, you can come into the clinic, I'll get some old gloves out of the MRSA infested clinical waste bin and give you a good wank. |
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| My parents are so cruel as they have insisted I kept my surname even though it is ironic as my face actually looks like a scrotum sack. I am debating to get plastic surgery but since I am in politics I dont NOT want to be recognised as I totally get off on my importance. What do you suggest? Ed. |
| | Fat Nurse: Hmmmm, from your description, I can't figure out whether you're Gordon Brown, Andrew Lloyd Webber or David Cameron. Try showing your ar*e instead of your face. |
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| Ever since I put on my clean underpants this morning, my bollocks have felt as though they're on fire (in fact just like someone's rubbed Scotch bonnets inside the gusset). My shirts are full of holes, and some bastard has poured a gallon of red paint over the Beamer. Oh yeah, and here's the worst bit. I got home after a skin full of Strongbow and woke up with a real splitter. Felt a bit sticky between the legs and there was something in my mouth. When I examined it I'm sure it's the end of my cock, as it's definitely gone missing somewhere. Dr notsolongasitwasbeforeDick |
| | Fat Nurse: If your idea of a romantic night is to take me to Burger King, get me pissed and then suggest that we make a homemade porno for your mates to have a laugh at then I think you've got what you deserved boyo. The itching is something I picked up in Egypt from a guy called Mustafa who thought I worth a camel, or was it I looked like a camel I can't really remember now. |
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| Hello love, you're not going to like this, but I've gone and put diesel instead of petrol in the car again; and there's a big spider in the bath; and I can't get the lid off this jam; and I've washed your whites and left a pair of my pink tights in with it all by mistake; and I'm having a 'turn' and, AND....! Mrs Dick. |
| | Dr Dick: No need to panic as I'm taking the Fat Nurse out for a few pints of Strongbow and some pork scratchings tonight and I'm feeling lucky so I won't be back until tomorrow morning. That'll give you loads of time to get it all sorted out. |
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 I found a large lump of liver in the fridge, so added a couple of onions and scoffed the lot, wiping up the gravy with a couple of slices of Warburton's thick white. Now I feel as though something has died inside me and I'm about to be next. Groan! Dr Dick |
| | Fat Nurse: That sounds like something I'd have a starter before tucking into a whole sheep. Try rubbing some oil of leek onto your stomach, it's the medicinal compound around these parts. I tried some on the old man when he'd had too many fried mars bars and it cured him straight away. Unfortunately he now thinks he's a chicken but at least the eggs have been useful. |
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| Dear Fat Bastard Nurse, The last time I went to your clinic you told me I had terminal kidney cancer and only had two months to live. It's now five years later and I am still alive but am missing one kidney because you told me I had to remove my cancerous kidney inorder to extend my life expectancy by one week. Can I have my kidney back - the one you sold on ebay for two thousand pounds. |
| | Fat Nurse Direct: I'm sorry but Dr Dick and the Nurse have gone to a powerlunch but according to your file he actually took out your liver so you should really thank you're lucky stars that you're here at all. Anyway stop bothering me as I'm doing me toenails. |
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| Daer Fat Nrsue, I hvae vrey bad dsyexlia. Is tehre aynhting I can od to mkae it bteter? Is it bcaeuse all the tmie I am sednping matsurbaintg on the www.thehun.com mkanig me corss-eeyed and hncee dsyelxiic. |
| | Dr Dick: F*ck off you're just pissed, probably been out on a long lunch and had a bottle too many of port. Anyway wipe down your desk and next time invite me along too you cheapskate. |
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| Dear FN, Can you jump on your bike and pop round as I have a bit of an embarassing problem. When I first opened my eyes this morning, I checked the tackle, as usual and found it had grown to 12 inches. That's the only good part. It had also turned bright orange. I thought, "Well, what the hell?" gave it a bit of a yank, and the bastard snapped in half. I'm giving a driving lesson this afternoon and would hate to go off "Half cock" as it were. Do I need a graft or do I need a couple of onions, some stewing steak and a casserole dish? |
| | Fat Nurse Direct: I'm afraid the Fat Nurse is on her second honeymoon in a caravan in Newport and Doctor Dick is currently being investigated for trying to knock out the flower girl with some anaesthetic. That's quite a problem you gave there, what I would do is get a plaster and some uhu and try and patch it up a bit. If it fails to stay stuck go down to your local Casualty unit and if the queue is over 6 hours pretend to faint then bang your head on the floor and threaten to sue the buggers for a million quid, that always works for me. |
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 I recently ran the New York marathon and a large impatient turd chased me all the f*cking way. I was touching cloth as I broke the tape. luv Paula xxx |
| | Fat Nurse: I'm sorry I didn't see it luv, we can only receive 405 line tv in the valley . You're lucky you've been to New York, we're just getting the caravan ready for our week in Newport, I'm just packing my knickers in now and I think I might need a bigger suitcase. |
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 Dear Fat Nurse, I've got more kids than I can count, more stretch marks than the graf zeppelin and a punani like a ripped welly. The moralising, dungareed old bastard is cock crazy.. Help !!! Momma Bob Walton (I've attatched one of the few photos where we aren't actually shagging) |
| | Dr Dick: I can't say I blame him. I spent my early years banging off to you and Lady Penolope. If you could send me a couple of topless piccys I'll put them in me drawer for when the girlfriend goes out, if I can get it open of course as it's a bit gummed up at the moment. |
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| Unemployment |
| | Fat Nurse: Dear Richard and Judy,
I realise money is going to be a bit tight from now on. Netto are doing Lithuanian gin at £6.49 and Ukranian 'Chernobyl' vodka at £5.99. There's many a former TV presenter making a good living in the porn business these days, have a word with my mate John Leslie. |
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Dear nurse,
I managed to get some pics of some right royal tit snorting chisel and bragging about getting after hours deliveries via the tradesman's entrance. I tried to sell the story to the local rag - and can you believe it, the rozzers were waiting for me! I feel like a right royal biscuit. I've now got to sell my austin Princess and haven't got the heart to tell my rigid wife Margaret or my Son. What do i do. |
| | Fat Nurse: Well Vike, Nip down to the joiner's shop after hours and clamp your todger in the vice. Next you need a large mallet and an inch and a half wood chisel. A sharp smack with the hammer and chisel and your 'problems' will be over. I doubt the dragon will notice. You could start a new trend in furniture, like that place that has an oak mouse on every table leg, except in your case, it could be a life sized oak replica of your penis. Every major sexual scandal should be seen as a challenging opportunity.
As for coke, it's better chucked into a pot bellied stove or mixed with a large JD. |
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| Dear Fat Nurse, my neighbours complain of a bad smell. The trouble is - it is my mimsy - smells like an open sewer. Then again - when I am trying to out slapper Madonna - some side effects have to be expected... no pain no gain. Got any dettol. Ulrika Johnson. |
| | Fat Nurse: I'd recommend the bottom half of a rubber wet suit. Smear silicone sealant over the whole inside, slide them on, then clamp a large jubilee clip over each ankle, and wrap a bungee very tightly round the waist. A quick blast of Mr Sheen and there you are! Fresh as a daisy! After a few days they might start to bulge a bit. |
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| Invisibilty. |
| | Fat Nurse: Bollocks, I obviously had trouble seeing that post as I hit the wrong button and deleted it by accident - Sorry, that's the second time I've done that. FN (The 'Offer advice' and 'delete' buttons are really close together.) |
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 I've recently split up from my wife, and have been having trouble finding a sexual partner that can fulfil my needs. You see, my wife had but one leg, and I could penetrate her considerably deeper (with my two incher) than I can a normal woman. Is there anything I could do to 'relight my sexual fire'. Ooh, that sounds like it'd make a great name for a song. Yours truly, Chester Finch. |
| | Fat Nurse: Well 'Chester', you've always struck me as a bit of a mummy's boy rather than a sexual animal. I think you need an extremely dominating woman who'll tell you what to do, who's good at writing songs, and doesn't mind staying in the background. I'll ask Carly Simon if she's free - mind you, with the size of her gob, and your little two incher, it's going to be a bit like picking a maggot from between her teeth. There's always Dolly Parton of course, but I reckon you'd find those tits rather scary. |
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| Im thinking of getting a breast reduction as I am sick of men staring at my chest instead of looking at my face. Can you recommend a good surgeon? |
| | Fat Nurse: I've had lads looking at my large bazookas since I was about 13 and I only weighed about 16 stone then. Have you thought about losing a bit of weight to reduce them down a bit? I had a go at the leek diet, which is good as leeks are the only thing that grows around here and I lost almost 16 stone in 2 years. If all else fails be proud of them, show them off and maybe get a little tattoo on one of them. The lads around here love my cats paw tattoo, infact they are so popular I'm buying my mum and granny one for Christmas. |
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| Dear Fat Nurse - why does everyone keep calling us 'sh*t, overpaid, prima-donnas, who are also wonkers'. We really are a bunch of good old honest, hard working lads and we have really hard trips to make and do not expect the public to boo us or call us sh*t when we are clearly better than they are, - the England football team. |
| | Fat Nurse: 1. Because you are. 2. Yes, you also are. 3. No you're not. 4. What the f*ck else do you expect when you've just been paid sixty grand a week? (It would take me three and a half years to earn that.) 5. Listen pipsqueak, if you get paid Hollywood money, we expect a Hollywood performance - and I don't mean falling over and screaming when you've banged your knee.
F*ck off the lot of you, you're starting to annoy me and I'll have to have one of my tablets. |
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 Dear the Fat Nurse. I keep telling really sh*t jokes and I'm the only one that finds them funny. I feel like everybody hates me. What should I do? Regards Lightbulb Head |
| | Fat Nurse Direct: AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAAHA!!!!! |
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 Dear Fat Nurse, last week I had a drunken encounter with a man who's surname sounds like a type of nut. Ever since then my nads have become sore and swollen, and I seem to be peeing green urine. Could I have AIDS? Love and kisses, JS. |
| | Fat Nurse: These STD's can be a bugger, and were eloquently written about by that great poet Walter Wordsworth, in his work "Gunga Din - There's a dirty stinking piss house to the north of Waterloo".
'I quote ..........When he'd finished with his screwing, she knew what he'd been doing, he'd gone and left her proper with a dose. She gave it to her father, who gave it to her mother, who gave it to the reverend Percy Brown. He gave it it to his cousin, who gave it to a dozen, and now it's half way round the bloody town.
At last it came to pass, it reached the sailor's ar*e, it travelled half way up his bloody back. It rotted and it festered, his very life it pestered, T'was the vengeance of Tallulah Johnston Black. Now there's a dirty stinking sailor to the north of Waterloo, with a dose of syph that's slowly turing green. Though he's hacked it and he's scratched it, if e'er he can detach it, he's a better man than I am Gunga Din.'
So that's it, serves you right for having an encounter with a bloke called Hazel. Sounds like you ought to jump in the sheep dip with old Matty. |
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| Fat Nurse you seem familar. |
| | Fat Nurse Direct: I'm sorry boyo but the fat nurse has got a day off. She said something about going shopping in Primark Cardiff if you want to catch up with her. Now do us us a favour and hang up as I'm doing my crossword. |
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| Dear Nurse, I may have already mentioned that I was burgled - and had an intimate video stolen. Well, I'm really scared now - because its been leaked onto the interweb... and none of the mainstream press seem to give a toss about the fact; they'd rather report on some silly war in the Far East instead. Should I fire my agent/lawyer/psychologist/minder/proctologist/childminder(s), my not-at-all allegedly bi ex-husband/latest squeeze? Or should I just flash my mimsy a bit more and maybe drink more moonshine in my beaten up trailer while sh*tting my pants more than usual? |
| | Fat Nurse: Do you think there's anyone out there who hasn't seen your mimsy now? Even I couldn't bring myself to bang one out over the piccies and I've done some real howlers in my life. Have you thought about taking up foxy boxing as at least you'll know how to protect your head when you get a new boyfriend. |
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| Back in Korea in the 50's I got stabbed between the goolies with a rusty bayonet. I'm sure they'd rubbed it in dogsh*t first. Anyway, what with the stiff upper lip and ever stiffer anal lips, I suffered in silence for nearly 45 years. Now, everything's swollen up, misshapen and gone a funny colour and it's starting to stink like hell. The long haired one keeps complaining that she'd rather look after a cat than me. I don't want to lose the old girl, though I'm not so attached to my gonads any more. I really don't like to waste your valuable time, and like to ask even less, but do you have any suggestions? Major E R Mattravers Carruthers (retd) |
| | Fat Nurse: Well Matty, you have a long standing infection. Nowhere near as good as a long standing erection, but life is a bitch. Dettol might work, but would take too long. Antibiotics of course are no good either, and are now believed to be the root cause of global warming. No, I'd recommend a gallon of Jeyes fluid in the water the next time you have a bath. Keep this up and you'll be right as rain in no time and leaping around like a priapic pixie again. |
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 Dear Nurse. I have recently been burgled and they have stolen some homemade videos that show me blowing off some guy I met in a bar. Is it true that all publicity is good publicity and when can I look forward to seeing them on limewire? Britney |
| | Fat Nurse: Hello pet,
There was a girl that lived down the road had a cat named Britney. She (the girl that is) used to mix with a bad lot and got very much into the same problems as you. You know the kind of stuff - drugs, suicide, and sexual stuff that was probably illegal. As for Britney, she used to sneak through our cat flap, scoff whatever she could find and then crap on my doormat. Well she used to, that is, until I caught her one night.
Anyway sweetie, when you say 'burgled' do you mean in the biblical sense or in the criminal sense? It really is rather important before I come up with the best way to help you. |
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 Dear Nurse, I recently secretly (or so I thought) infiltrated a popular website, posting what I thought were subversive comments in an attempt to bring the site to it's knees, but no one replied to my comments, no one took the bait, no one even seemed to notice I was there! It seems I've lost the capacity to shock and disrupt proceedings like a spoilt only child. To make matters worse, I now feel rejected and have started pooing in my courderoy pants again (while taking classes - the shame!). Please take me into your bosom and make it better again mummy! Yours - if you'd let me, 'Rachel Sight' |
| | Dr Dick: Sorry, Fat Nurse is a lunch at the moment (again!) so I'm filling in. I don't have a bosom and even if I did, I wouldn't want your beany vegetarian person anywhere near it. As you rightly say, everyone ignores you which indicates that nobody is interested in you in the slightest. May I suggest suicide as a viable solution that would please everybody? |
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 I think I've got that fecal impaction thing you were on about. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA Oh sh*t ..... LBH |
| | Fat Nurse: Well hello my little filament of electric sunshine,
Are you a screw thread or a bayonet? This might be the root cause of the problem, but we can talk about that later.
Don't worry, there is a cure. We take you down below and do a sonar scan of your guts. We do this from 2 directions and we get a precise set of 3 dimensional cartesian co-ordinates for the offending 'slug'.
I personally certainly wouldn't call the next step a kick. More a caress with the foot, or a subtly directed impact with the precision of an acupuncturist. In the NHS it's normally referred to as kicking the sh*t out of somebody.
Let me know when you're coming in for treatment, sweetie. FN |
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 Dear Fat Nurse. My diabolicly unfunny so called comedian of a hubby called me an over bearing fat kunt earlier today. I'm really upset as i don't like being called fat. How can i get my revenge back on him. Miz D French |
| | Fat Nurse: Whoops, just accidentally deleted the last post. Sorry Prince Nazeem, but once a kunt, always a kunt. A bit like the little red letters that run through a stick of Blackpool rock, kuntishness goes right to the core. No hope for you bud.
Now then Dawn, being fat is a simple mass balance equation - your mouth is much larger than your ar*e hole. The only way to get revenge is to either prove him wrong or 'turn the tables'. This entails either you losing about 10 stone, or him gaining ten. I'd seriously have a think about that offer of removing ten feet of intestine, and having your lips nailed shut. |
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 I'm a bit of a sicko and I've been fancying the fat nurse for ages. She's got great lils and I've heard she likes a bit. I was thinking of taking her out for a pint, doing her over a dustbin and giving her her bus fare back home. Should I bother? Dr Dick |
| | Fat Nurse: Try making an appointment before 9am please. If the line's engaged, keep trying, you should get through after 14 or 15 attempts. If you get through after 9am, sorry but I don't accept appointments any more, but you'll still get charged premium rate for the calls and the nice menus and little recorded message. When you've listened to the message, please f*ck off and try again tomorrow. |
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| Ive got a problem. Being a raging woofter I often get bummed by some random with a rather large appendage. At the time its great. However hours after the cardinal act I can bearly make it off the bed to stagger to the loo as my piles flare up and occasionally burst. Naturally this kills the moment. Can you help? M.Barrymore |
| | Fat Nurse: Hello Michael sweetie, hows it hanging? My advice is, think yourself lucky you're not this poor bastard - http://www.bobpitch.com/anon/cornished_log.jpg. |
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| Dear Dick Doctor, I find I keep getting strongly sexually aroused by Anne Robinson being nasty on the 'Weakest Link' and by Carol Vorderman deliberately pulling out letters to make rude words on that Countdown program. I've got forearms like popeye, eyes like Marty Feldman and I'm red raw. What do you suggest? |
| | Dr Dick: Close your eyes and listen carefully to my voice. You hear the words, but I want you to listen behind the words. Concentrate on every breath, in, out, in, out. That's it. Are you feeling totally relaxed? Yes. Good. Now. Anne is wearing fishnets and a PVC basque. She holds a whip high in the air. Carole is wearing leather. The soft black hide strains against the ample curves of her ar*e. She has a studded dog collar round her neck, and wields a cane. You, are handcuffed and bent naked over the back of a sofa .......... Oh sh*t, hang on a minute... there's somebody on the other line wanting an appointment...... ring back tomorrow before 9 am will you. |
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| Dear NHS scumbags, Before I start, I won\'t be giving you a rise. Glad the formalities over and done with, on to my question. Hypothetically, what are my chances in the next election? And if I lose, can I apply for a propper eye that doesn\'t make me look like an Auton? G Brown |
| | Fat Nurse: Well Gordon, as the Sultan of Brunei once said to me, 'In the valley of the blind, the one eyed man is king'. I do think you need your bottom lip or bottom jaw seeing to, it seems to have a mind of its own. Every half a dozen words, and it's off. |
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| I have a problem with facial fuzz. What can I do? Regards, Miss S Shetty. |
| | Dr Dick: Go and buy some razors, you hairy bastard. |
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| Dear Nurse I've had an accident with a hoover and a electric chain saw during some sex games and one of my legs has come off, what should I do? |
| | Fat Nurse Direct: I would suggest a couple of paracetomol and........sorry I've got to go to lunch, can you ring back after 3, there's a pet. |
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| Ouch! My knob dropped off last night. Should I stop shagging rent boys? Mr Mark Oaten. |
| | Dr Dick: You filthy little bastard. Take 2 of these cyanide capsules and don't call me in the morning. |
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 Dear Dr Dick. What do you suggest i rub on my Ar*e Conkers? |
| | Dr Dick: Chilli sauce springs to mind anyway piss off as I'm having a wank. |
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 It look like there's a bumper crop of acorns this year. |
| | Dr Dick: That means it's going to be a bit windy this winter infact not dissimilar conditions from what's been happening in my pants since I had a vindy and ten pints of Kuntenberg last night. Anyway f*ck off I'm going for a dump. |
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| I've got cancer of the cosmos. |
| | Dr Dick: Bog off you loser,I'm having a fag. |
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| *Robotic voice* Dear Nurse, What do you think my chances are of appearing on "Strictly Come Dancing"? My home help says that if that saggy-titted Fiona Phillips can do it, then I'm in with a pretty good chance. I'm not so sure - what do you reckon? *Ends transmission* Professor Stephen Hawking |
| | Fat Nurse: Well, as long as your wheelchair has independent drive motors on both wheels you should be able to whirl and slew around like a good un. Heather Mills, granted, not similarly afflicted, did and and she managed, though on one memorable occasion did almost injure someone when her leg broke loose. |
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| Dear Fat Nurse, I am a student nurse and I can not help but get my patients to fall asleep by admiistering them drugs - then using their hands to masturbate me off or placing my balls in their unconscious mouths - I hope this will not lead to anything more serious, Mr Harold Shipman (letter dated 1963) |
| | Fat Nurse: Harold, Harold, Harold, Harold! Where do we start! These things often start quite 'innocently' don't they, but as we all now, they do get more and more serious - just ask Jeffrey Dahmer, or Ed Ghein. (I don't know why I'm writing this as you're now extremely dead you old kunt, with the same, only one, BBC video clip to your f*cking name, with that f*cking body warmer waistcoat, not unlike the BBC video clip of that f*cking BSE infected cow that kept trying to walk straight but still kept falling over, because they'd greased the cobbles).
Look Harold, you're a twisted old kunt that liked watching old women die from morphine poisoning. Rest in relative peace alongside Freddie West you nasty old kunt. Don't ring me again. |
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| Dear Fat Nurse. I'm haveing trouble keeping my guts from falling out all over the floor through my gapeing fraid ringpiece. Please help as it can be quite embarrasing when doing my stage act. Yours,,,A well know Irish television personality who's being done to death at the moment on the BBC. |
| | Fat Nurse: I have a friend called 'Orwight' Michael who apparently has just the thing to stank off and shore up a prolapsed anus - it's called a baseball bat. I'll have to admit that I'm not sure exactly how it works - I don't think Michael does either. I think you two would get on famously. Hope you can swim. |
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| Dear Fat Nurse, I have problems being recognised in the street. I walk around and no one notices me....in fact, they act as if I did not exist. Please help me - I am desperate for attention - yours desperately, Sir Ming Campbell. |
| | Fat Nurse: What did you say your name was? |
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| This is a sort of double barrelled question, but I'm sure, Mrs FN that you'll rise to the occasion. Why is it that nearly everyone who claims to have been abducted by aliens is American? And why do they always claim that the aliens poke long shiny pointed metal things into all their orifices? - Sir Patrick |
| | Fat Nurse: Well I have a shiny metal platinum rampant rabbit, and I can tell you after 5 minutes insertion into my wormhole, I'm bouncing off the bloody ceiling. I reckon I could possibly go into another orbit, given long enough. As for the Americans, well, every rag, tag and bobtail from Europe went to populate the place in the last century, so what do you expect. |
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 Dear Fat Nurse
I don't seem to able to stop showing off. I've been doing it my whole life. I even annoy myself with it. What should I do?
Yours show-offingly, Robin 'the show-off' Williams. |
| | Fat Nurse: Well Robin. I've noticed your condition over the years but thought it best not to offer my opinion without being asked. You have a condition called 'Show-offhausen by proxy' which causes the sufferer to seek attention by means of pulling faces and making silly noises. It's a tragic condition with no cure. I'd suggest suicide. It's the only way. Hope you feel better. FN. |
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| Dear FN. Can you catch anything nasty if you get a blow job off a woman that actually turns out to be a bloke? - (A world famous comedian) |
| | Fat Nurse: Well matey, it's a well known fact that the average ar*ehole contains far less bacteria than the average mouth, so yes, indeed you can (by the laws of diffusion alone). Perhaps your dentist might have a look at your 'little soldier' for you, or you could try giving it a swish around in neat Listerine. Mind you don't bang your head on the ceiling. |
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 Dear FN. Could you please advize me on a little problem i have with my boyfriend from the valleys. Since getting his cock badly scarred and mangled in a mining accident a couple of years ago he has been unable to pump my tyres up as he used to(not that i'm missing much anyway)and has become very withdrawn into himself. Frankly he has turned into a miserable pissed off,cheap whiskey drinking,blow smokeing complaining kunt of a boyo and i'm sick to the back teeth with the Taffy kunt. Could you please recomend a good plastic surgeon as this might help the situation,or should i just f*ck the kunt off for Jones the milk? Thanks in advance and Yakki Dah. |
| | Fat Nurse: Well, Luv, I'm very sorry to hear about the accident. Winston used to be a miner too. In fact, I didn't even know he was actually black until they closed the pit and he stayed the same colour. If I were you, I'd probably ditch the fellow and pop down to Ann Summers for a whopping rubber cock. |
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| Im fat. There Ive said it. I could blame the fact im pregnant but to be honest I like cakes too much. My fiancee is supportive but to be honest it doesnt help if he is a super fit, muscular sportsman - it just makes me feel worse and grab another mr kipling cake out of the larder. What do you suggest? Charlotte C. |
| | Fat Nurse: It's lovely to hear from a fellow Welsh lass, but what a pity you're feeling a little below par. When I would go on my legendary scoffing sprees, Winston would dress me in a straight jacket and gimp mask to stop me, and I have to say it worked a treat. Anyway, I wouldn't say you were necessarily huge, just a bit of a porker. So cheer up my sweet and get yourself a restraining jacket and rubber sex mask. |
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| I've got a vein on my ricker that resembles a mature geranium plant. Today, after last night's curry, I was strangling a darky and it went pop. Anyway, it's stopped bleeding and I've stopped eating so it will heal up without having to pass another torp. How long should I stop eating? |
| | Fat Nurse: Well deary, I stopped eating for 3 years during my last diet and shed 3 tonnes, so I think really it's up to you how long you abstain. Just drink lots of water and vitamins and you'll be fine. Oh, and don't near Elton John for a bit. |
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 Is it still possible to buy medicated toilet paper and if so where? |
| | Fat Nurse: Yes it is. It's everywhere in Wales. In fact, I didn't know you could get unmedicated paper. By the way, Luv, I'm not really a general advice helpline but an agony aunt. |
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| I've just moved to the US with my extremely faithful husband and stupidly named sons, but alas, two nannies have upped and left; my soccer playing hubby has gone and crocked his leg again and my attempt at wowing the indifferent American public seems to have failed miserably. I've been thrown 2 lifelines though, but don't know which one to chose – the chance to accept a "Best Comedian couple" award from the UK's Loaded magazine, or to go back on tour with some pensioners from my former band and make a tool of myself again lip-syncing and falling about on stage a lot. My idiot Mum and sister say I should take the money and run - what do you suggest oh generously proportioned nurse? |
| | Fat Nurse: Well, you know, everybody thinks you're an idiotic, no talent imbecile with a face like Porky the Pigs grandmother, but I say that's not fair. Eveybody has a talent, even you. Perhaps comedy is the way forward. I myself used to do a few routines on the Swansea club scene and hardly ever got bottled off stage. If I can do it, so can you. Stick with it, I say and good luck. |
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Have you got a plaster that will cover my big, fat, saggy. weeping ego?
Jon Prescott |
| | Fat Nurse: Hot air balloon? They sag when you let the air out. |
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My wife thinks I'm a fat, twatty, greedy, labour poncing and rather hygienically challenged wankér. Can you lend me the bus fare to Brussels to suck more corporate cöck? (First class and an extra room for my ugly secretary pleae?).
Yours, John Prescott. |
| | Fat Nurse: Your wife is a highly observant woman - no problems with her eyesight or sense of smell. And NO, f*ck off and walk, you fat kunt. |
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| Hawoah Fat Nerse. I-ah call on you from-ah Bangkok. I meet-ah man called Searchy. He ask-ah me if he can put little friend in to-ah my bumhole. Problem is, his-ah little friend is too little! What to do Fat Nerse? Twank-ah you! Bong Pen-unt Poo |
| | Fat Nurse: Searchie's is a common problem and is normally known as Guardianism bought on by too much cock smoking and excess from zinc in organic lentils and aubergines. Personally I'd kick him in the nuts, pinch his wallet, go and get kunted on 20 bottles of Singah and spend 1000bht on that bird in the Ra Ra bar on Samui road. Tell her Nursey sends her luv. |
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| A bit embarrasing this one FN. I was useing my bogey picking fingernail to scratch my ring piece in bed last night and was slightly over zelous during my doings causing me to experience a very painfull injury in the process. Please advize me on what best to do to rectify my present discomfort,,,,,,preferably before my next movements occure. Thanks in advance. |
| | Fat Nurse: You filthy beast. I'm sending you a sachet of germolene and a pair of rusty nail scissors I found at the back of my freebies cupboard. |
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 Dear FN. I had a rather nasty encounter with this very strange looking scooter rideing,clog wearing"person"last night who insisted that i dressed up like a traffic warden before we got down to business. To cut a long story short i've developed this nasty itch between my back legs since the encounter and the sheep dip i'm rubbing on doesn't seem to be helping. Any advice would greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance Miss Maltilda Sheep. |
| | Fat Nurse: You might have caught Dutch Elm disease, in which case sheep dip will be no good. Try Cuprinol. It has a trendy green colour and smells great. |
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| I'm a Scottish ramsbottom with a high pitched voice. Advice? |
| | Fat Nurse: Try and locate one of those coal merchants that are probably on the verge of going out of business up where you live. On the back of their filthy wagons, along with all the coal sacks, there was always a set of scales and some weights for weighing out the coal. The one you want is the 56 lb one (that's about 25 kilograms on new money). It will have a handle, it's made of solid steel and bigger than a house brick. Tie it to your knackers with fencing wire or strong fishing line, then jump off the back of the coal lorry. I think you'll find it'll do the trick. |
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| I can't get a shag. You wouldn't oblige me would you? I like a woman in uniform and i like them a bit on the large side. Watcha say? |
| | Fat Nurse: I've heard of another poster that has a slightly frayed female sheep that I'm sure could be persuaded to wear a uniform. Her name is Matilda, she has lovely hair, (well, wool really) and she doesn't kiss and tell. If she gives you any trouble or doesn't do as you ask she'd do a good few Sunday dinners. |
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| I'm in a bit of a dilemma. My boyfriend's given me an ultimatum, he says it's him or the laptop. Is it worth upgrading to Vista? |
| | Fat Nurse: Definitely worth the upgrade. Boyfriend XP (eXtreme Perspiration) tends to overheat quite often, and you need a USB peg attached to your nose to prevent this. Boyfriend Vista, on the other hand, looks much better, smells somewhat less, and wil ask before violating your security. Plus, he can convert Japanese Yen to South African Rand - what more can you ask? |
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Dear Nurse,
I've just found out that my best mate's wife is running a cheap brothel while he does night work at Sainsbury's. This leaves me in a terrible dilema; do I tell him what's going on, man-to-man over a pint; or should I get round to her place as soon as he's off to work as I don't want to be stirring sloppy porridge after throwing out time do I?
Your's in hope,
Callum Best. |
| | Fat Nurse: Don't do anything hasty. Gather as much information as you possibly can before sitting down and thinking what to do next. When you've run out of sexual perversions to try, you can either come clean, tell a pack of stinking lies or say nothing and keep sampling the goods. Whichever it is, don't be custard cousins with your best mate .... it'll end in tears. |
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 Dear the Fat Nurse.
As you know, I’m very famous and RICH BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS, but in recent times my career and personal life seem to be on the slide a bit. All this has been compounded by some losers I used to know having a number one single. Fortunately I’m not egotistical otherwise it might have really hurt. As you also probably know, I am a bit of a stallion with the ladies but can’t keep a relationship for more than five minutes. What can I do to improve my lot in life and be loved again?
Yours faithfully
Robbie Williams
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| | Fat Nurse:
Dear Robert
I think you have to try hard to not try so hard. I remember you back in that gay dancing band 'Take This' all those years ago. You were hopeless. You used to prance around dressed in leather, miming to the music, but nobody cared. Us ladies all loved you. I had all your albums and you were my very favourite person, apart from my husband, Winston. We all wanted to mother you and help you through your ‘issues.’ Then, quite suddenly you developed ‘drug problems’ and an apparent interest in girls (well, you were always shown in the paper with them anyway. You remember, Max Cliffords friends.) You also seemed to develop a towering ego and believed yourself to be ‘a musician’ as opposed to the fat dancer we all knew and loved. So, stop trying so hard, stop all this pretending to be so ‘rock and roll.’ Be happy with your little tubby self. Perhaps even try dancing again for a living. You’ll feel better for it, luv.
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| I've just come back off holiday and all my undies are in the wash. What with global warming and all, is it safe to go commando, or should I have the day off tomorrow? |
| | Fat Nurse: Difficult one this. There has been a marked increase in jock rash and Dhobie itch as temperatures have rocketed this summer (ahem). Fresh air is a good thing, and if you're too embarrassed to see your doc, you could always try some athlete's foot powder. |
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| I stuck my tongue up my girlfriends bottom last week. It was OK. This week I got this horrible mouth infection and the dentist had to pull 3 of my teeth out. Will they grow back? |
| | Fat Nurse: Not in your mouth they won't, no. Try using Listerine next time. |
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| Ive got a really embarassing problem. Im a virgin and decided to finally do the deed on friday night. Only problem is - my pubic hairs have got split ends. I always go for a regular trim at the hairdressers so my conventional hair is in tip top condition. Do you think it will be a problem? Is there anything I can do as I have a bush which resembles a thatched roof at the moment. |
| | Fat Nurse: The simple thing is to go terrorist style and shave it all off before going into action. My husband took my 12 year old cat ( I luv cats) down the vets recently as it was getting knots and that was the advice, shame he put it down really but a tenner's a tenner. |
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 I've got an itch from doing Betty from accounts and now my wife wants some. What should I do? |
| | Fat Nurse: Simple, sleep with her and if she gets an itch blame her for sleeping around, dump the frump, and nip around to Betty's as she sounds like she goes over like a giraffe on roller skates |
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 Nurse nurse,my colostomy bag needs changing. Be a pet. |
| | Fat Nurse: Abracadabra - I've just changed it into an extra large pedal-bin liner - you won't have to change it again for at least six months. Result! |
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